Milwaukee Jernal 4-1-09 13:02pm (Milwaukee, WI)
ComedySportz Actletes being Investigated for alleged Performance enhancing Steriod Use!
Authorities Have been questioning CSz staff and players about suspicious activities being portrayed by a small hand full of their incredibly funny players. Players were reported to the Jernal Editor as being "Way too funny to be for real" and "So funny I laughed till I threw up!" Fans who attended recent shows were amazed at the almost Unnatural comedy timing and lack of fouls.
The Jernal has received inside information that players use performance enhancing substances such as Steroids, Red Bull, Pop Rocks, and Coca-Cola to enhance their energy, mental quickness and to add that extra "Yummy in my tummy" Feeling while performing shows.
When questioned by the Milwaukee Jernal, Dick Chudnow, Co-Owner of ComedySportz said, "We have nothing to hide! We're just on a really, really, really funny streak and admit no wrong-doing. If you don't believe me, come down and see a show for yourself! You'll see we are just that darn funny!"
Suspicions arose when Bob Orvis, a CSz regular since 1984, Co-Owner and utility performer at best suddenly began being funny. Really funny. Whereas his normal performance drew 6 to 8 laughs at best-- many of which were 'sympathy laughs', he suddenly became 'really funny' actually breaking Joe Cortese's 20 year record for laughs during a singing game.
"That, in itself was not so surprising" Said a naive Chudnow, "It's not unusual for someone to discover his funny later in life. But Bob? C'mon! ...And just look at the size of his head!"
Further investigation will be difficult, as the player's union is tight knit and strong. ....and mean
It's not just the recent funny that has garnered suspicions, it is the strange mood swings being exibited by players, along with "Acne Tongue". In a recent Saturday afternoon matinee for 120 8-12 year olds, Angelo Farina (AKA Mort Snotlocker) suddenly went off on an audience suggestion, challenging any one in the Blue Section to a "Bare Knucke best Pun Scene". He was last seen being dragged off the stage yelling, "....Hey! You! Kid! You want some of this!?! GIMME a suggestion! Come on! What's the matter...worried I'll make you laugh till you pee!?!"
A clearly distraught Chudnow slinked away before he could be approached for comment.
--Associate Editor, Howie McDooglebergson | |
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